Misunderstandings

I hate traveling.

Let me be clear: I love visiting new places. Or even old places. Any place, really. What I would like to happen, is maybe have a magic carpet fly me there... or if "Portkeys" were real that would be best for traveling over long distances. Think of the time we would save!

I don't agree with our current notion that an aircraft packed with cranky, rude and smelly people for hours at a time is the best way to travel. Can we think outside of the box? Can we get on those flying cars that, at 11 years old, I was pretty sure would exist by now? They did it in Back to the Future. I don't understand what the hold up is, exactly.

We can even keep the airports. I like coffee shops and places to buy things. And I'm not afraid to be on a plane. I am, however, afraid that I might die of BOREDOM on a plane. Or irritation.

My thought process while on a plane:

"Oooohh, we're moving!!! Yay!!! Bye, airport!"

"Ugh, why must I be flattened to my seat while we take off? Where is my gum? My ears are popping. Great, now I'm deaf."

"Ooooooo... clouds. Pretty."

"Why are we still in the clouds? Can the pilot see through the clouds?"

"Oooo... farms. Neat."

"I brought a book, right? Where is my book?"

"This book is boring. What time is it?"

"Shut UP. We've only been in the air for TWENTY MINUTES???"

"Where is my iPod?"

"Nice. I still can't hear. Dude, get your leg AWAY from me. I STILL HAVE PERSONAL BOUNDARIES IN THIS TINY LITTLE SPACE!"

"OMG, why are there so many farms?"

"I guess farms are good. In case we need an emergency landing."

"These farms are boring the living hell out of me."

"UUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHH, I'M SO BORED!"

"My legs are cramped. Get me off this damn plane!!!"

"Ooo! Peanuts!"

"I'm still hungry."

"Why can't the plane go FASTER?! I've been sitting here for hours!!! What is the DEAL? Gawd!"

"Oh, thank GOD. Please - take my peanut trash and let me GOOOOOOOOOO!!!"


I'll spare you the rest, which is basically just a lot of internal profanity screaming while sitting on the runway. Once we are "parked", I will let the old people cut in front of me, but everyone else better clear that aisle because I WILL MOW YOU DOWN.


And that is why I continue to hold out hope for flying cars and magic carpets. The end.